The Frustrating Adventures of Marie Suse
by Anamnesis Redivivus
Summary: MarieSuse, the sister of MarySue, has fallen into ME. Too bad she isn’t having the same luck as her perfect sister. No slash. Indirect MarySue bashing. ON INDEFINITE HIATUS.
1. THUMP!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from J.R.R. Tolkien's works. I'd be happy to own them if they would be given to me free of charge...only possible in my dreams, but by Eru I have my right to dream whatever my subconscious would throw at me!

A/N: A parody of falling MS fics...what would happen if there were no comforting elements of fanfiction such as a convenient landing, speaking the language, etc. It'll be fun, hopefully. Thank you for fantisizing with ls.maid.en fanfiction company (non-existent, so don't sue). I, ls.maid.en, will be your guide in this fanfic. Tighten your seatbelt and, please, don't feed the Elves and Hobbits - they will bite when provoked. Enjoy your flight, er, tour.

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Italic is narration.

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Bold is Elvish or Westron, depends on who's talking. You do the math.

****

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WHOOSH!!!

_Yes...the poor Marie-Suse is making her way down towards the surface of Middle-earth at the speed of three hundred miles per hour. Instead of being sent to our favorite planet by getting hit by a car, our ole Marie-Suse has bumped into a car while reading a printout of a parody fanfic of the Lord of the Rings. She's making her way down, down, down...T minus five, four, three..._

THUMP!!!

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Oops. I was never a math person anyhow. Shall we go on? Let's. Let's watch Marie-Suse react to making a rather harsh reentrance in the world of fanfiction.

" Ugh...my butt...my legs...my arms...my neck...my head...ugh..."

_Marie-Suse can't really move right now, so please leave a message after the beep. Beep. Yes, I'd like to inform her that help is on the way...I think._

" Someone...help...call 911...I think I'm paralyzed..."

_Watch as a group of hunters draw near on their stallions. The look at the forest canopy through which Marie-Suse has fallen through. The poor trees have been severely decapitated. Whether they broke her fall or broke her bones, only Eru will know._

**" I see something ahead!"**

_Estel, riding ahead of Elrohir, Elladan, and Legolas, goes forth adventurously towards the human in the shape of a...a...some shape._

**" It is a human!"**

_Estel dismounts and approaches slowly with his sword in hand. He sheathes it when he realizes that there's no point to it. He turns his head at an angle to see what shape the human is forming with the awkwardly bent limbs._

**" Be careful, Estel," **_said Elrohir. Elladan dismounted and went alongside to Estel. He turns his head to look at Marie-Suse too._

" Someone...help..."

_Everyone jumps back._

****

" It talks!" _Shouted Legolas._

" Where am I? Am I in downtown?"

**" What is it saying?" **_Asked Estel. He feels an urge to poke Marie-Suse with his sword to see if it moves._

" I don't speak French...I took Spanish...me llamo Marie-Suse..."

_Poor Marie-Suse. She's delusional, isn't she? More fun for us, eh?_

**" I still do not understand what it is saying, brothers,"** _said Estel. Elladan pulls him back in case the body would spring up and claw at someone's eyes._

" Um, hello? Hola? Bonjour? Guten tag? Sayonara...um, wait...that's good-bye..."

_Legolas studies the angle of the limbs carefully._

**" I think it is hurt. The knees are bending in the opposite direction."**

_Others look at the legs and arms. So they are._

**" Perhaps your father can heal it. I do not think it is a creature of the Enemy, so I presume that it is safe to take it to Imladris."**

_This is when a light bulb turns on above Marie-Suse's head. Estel tries to touch it, but Elrohir keeps him back._

" Imladris...Rivendell! Yeah! House of Elrond, yadda, yadda! Take me there! I need some healing bad!"

_Elladan unsheathes his sword and put it up to Marie-Suse's neck._

**" How do you know our father!? Speak!"**

" Chill! Dude, it's illegal to carry weapon in public!"

_Then she looked around her as much as her numb neck would allow. One minute she was walking home from school, now she was in a forest. Did they have a 'get back in touch with nature' program while she was away at school?_

" Wait! Where am I!?"

_She begins crying. Estel feels some pity for Marie-Suse. Good thing since the three Elves seem VERY suspicious of her. Should've kept her mouth shut until she knew what was going on... Never watched enough suspense movies, I'm guessing._

**" Let's go now. We may find out more about it,"** _said Elrohir. He and Elladan doesn't let Estel touch Marie-Suse as they load her on to a horse's back. Imagine how much it hurts... Insert evil smile here. The hunters now leave the forest to take their 'patient' to the doctor...Lord Elrond of Imladris._

****

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A/N: How do you like that? If it's popular, I'll continue it. If not...well, I'll give this fic (and the plot bunny who bit me) a mercy killing. Please review to let me know if this is pretty good, or to argue about euthanasia - your choice.


	2. Agent Smith?

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from J.R.R. Tolkien's works. I'd be happy to own them if they would be given to me free of charge...only possible in my dreams, but by Eru I have my right to dream whatever my subconscious would throw at me!

A/N: A parody of falling MS fics...what would happen if there were no comforting elements of fanfiction such as a convenient landing, speaking the language, etc.

__

Italic is narration.

****

Bold is Elvish or Westron, depends on who's talking. You do the math.

****

...

_Now the three Elves, the Man, and the designated 'It' pass through the Ford and into the elven city that is Imladris. Marie-Suse feels like...well...h plus e plus lx2. And no, that's L, not 1._

" Hurry up...I'm getting dizzy and cold..."

**" What do you suppose it is saying?"** _Asked Estel. He was eyeing the 'creature' curiously. The boy couldn't help but stare at the strange pants and a short-sleeved, tight tunic. To be frank, he was beginning to think this 'It' was a female wearing pants._

After Elrond instructed the twins to lay the 'thing' on the bed, he looked at the face for a long time.

**" This 'It', as you call it, is actually a woman,"**_ he said. Everyone looked wide-eyed at Marie-Suse. She was beginning to get ticked off at the people who were talking, but not healing her. The massive blood loss was making her vision blurry as a snow blizzard in Alaska - without the snow._

" Ugh...help...can't feel my legs..."

**" I feel her life draining away. I must heal her now."**

_With that, Elrond began to work his magic on her...not that 'magic,' perverts! Get your head out of the gutter! Even before he began the process, Marie-Suse passed out. All hail to blood loss!_

****

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" No, mom...I wasn't smoking pot..."

_Folks, no need to panic. She really wasn't. Marie-Suse opened her eyes and saw the ceiling. It certainly didn't look like her room without the Lord of the Rings posters on the ceiling. Somehow, her mom got rid of the poster and put in a whole bunch of carvings up there._

" MOM!!! I told you to leave my room alone!"

**" You are awake, strange one."**

_Marie-Suse blinked before turning her head sideways to see who was talking to her. One thing for sure, it wasn't English he was speaking. Wait. She thought she remembered. She bumped into a car and ended up somewhere downtown where people spoke French or something. Figuring that since Spanish is somewhat similar to French than English, Marie-Suse tried to dig up her rudimentary Spanish skill that she learned from school._

" Me llamo Marie-Suse. Estoy...uh...periódico, no, wait, perdido. Yeah. Ayúdame, por favor. Do you comprende me?"

_Just as she finished up, she looked to her side. Gasp! It was...it was..._

" Agent Smith?"

_Lord Elrond gazed curiously at Marie-Suse with a faint smile. Although he did not understand what she was saying, he was pretty sure she was frightened. She was in a foreign place after all._

" Dude, I didn't know you were gay."

_Elrond couldn't tell why, but he suddenly felt insulted. He frowned._ _Marie-Suse thought for a second. Agent Smith of The Matrix wearing medieval looking clothes...this could only mean one thing._

" Holy flying monkeys on crack!"

_Marie-Suse jumped up and looked all around her. This was it! It was just like the movies! ...And no, not The Matrix trilogy...the "other" trilogy..._

" I'm here! Just like my annoyingly perfect sister!"

_She was jumping all around on the bed, then stopped. She looked down at Elrond, who not got up to greet her._

**" I am Elrond. What is your name?"**

_Marie-Suse, the sister of Mary-Sue, had always been a slacker. She never bothered studying Elvish online._

" I don't understand you, dude."

_Elrond waited a while, then decided that what she just said was too long to be her name. He pointed to himself, then said _**" Elrond,"**_ then pointed to Marie-Suse. She slapped her knees and laughed a little._

" Oh! My name!"

_She points to herself, then says, _" Marie-Suse."

_Elrond smiles. He can't recognize that name, so he decides to study her for a while. Perhaps she could be a servant of the Enemy after all, just as Elrohir and Elladan said, since everything about her was foreign and completely new. Estel, on the other hand, thought she was a human...although she was dressed inappropriately for being a decent creature of good and light. It seemed that this creature might have been sent to lure Elves into a dark path with the tight pants and much too revealing tunic._

" Whoa...I'm healed. I can move!"

_Marie-Suse walks around the room, testing her newly-healed-with-Elvish-magic body. As a matter of fact, it was completely back to normal. Suddenly, the door opened. Estel stood with his elven brothers and Legolas behind him._

**" Father, may we enter?"**

_Elrond nodded. He said, _**" I found out that her name is 'Marie-Suse.' I have not been able to find out more about this man-like creature."**

_Marie-Suse, who had been too amazed at the effectiveness of Elrond's skills to notice the guests, turned around and saw them. All four of them in the same place at once. Her body froze and she stuttered._

" I think I crapped my pants..."

_She gets too nervous and sweaty to do anything but...faint. Well, she may be the sister of Mary-Sue, but what would YOU do if you saw them person to person? Yeah, that's what I thought. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Marie-Suse could handle old Elrond, but not the four hotties of Middle-earth all at once. That's one of the differences between her and her sister._

The Elves and Estel begin to crowd around the body on the floor.

**" Perhaps she is shocked at being in a strange place,"** _said Elrond. They look at Marie-Suse, flat on the ground like pancake. Or a bug on a windshield. You get the point._

**" Let her rest. When she wakes, she will feel much better. Then we may try to learn more about her,"**_ said Elrond. Others nodded, and then thought they smelled something funny. They dismissed it after they laid her on the bed and left._

****

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A/N: Not doing so well, is she? Let's hope that she can do a little better the second time she sees them!

Please Review!


	3. Four out of Eight is Good Enough

Disclaimer: I don't own anything from J.R.R. Tolkien's works. I'd be happy to own them if they would be given to me free of charge...only possible in my dreams, but by Eru I have my right to dream whatever my subconscious would throw at me!

A/N: A parody of falling MS fics...what would happen if there were no comforting elements of fanfiction such as a convenient landing, speaking the language, etc.

__

Italic is narration.

****

Bold is Elvish or Westron, depends on who's talking. You do the math.

****

...

_Our Marie-Suse wakes up the next day, feeling like she has a hangover. Fortunately for us, she doesn't so we don't have to see her puke. Looking around, she sees the same ceiling and room again, then feels like she has to scream. She's still in Middle-earth! OMG, OMG, OMG!!! WHO'S GOING TO SAVE THE MIDDLE-EARTHLINGS FROM HER!?!? Sorry, I must restrain myself..._

' What the heck am I gonna do? I don't know what they're saying and they don't understand me!'

_She gets up, but realizes that she's wearing an elven dress. Panicking and wondering who changed her clothes, she rushes out of the room. There are too many hallways and doors that she gives up before she even tries. That's our girl. Give up as soon as you can._

' ...I wonder who changed my clothes...'

_Standing there, probably twiddling her thumbs, Marie-Suse tries to imagine one of her favorite hotties changing her clothes. Anyhow, she hears someone coming towards her. Within a few seconds, she sees Elrond with the four hotties behind him. She tries desperately to defy the urge to crap her pants once again. By the way, some poor elleth had to clean the previous mess. Let's have a moment of silence for that elleth. ..... Now, let's watch her react to the second meeting of the residents of Middle-earth._

" I can't believe I'm really here!"

_Elrond tries to read her thoughts, but she's thinking in plain English. Not really helpful. How can an elven lord place an order for an English-Elvish/Elvish-English translator? The answer is...he can't!_

**" Marie-Suse, come with us."**

_He signals for her to follow, which was easy enough for the fool to understand. She gapes and practically drools as she stares at Elrohir, then Elladan, then Estel, and then Legolas. If she sticks around long enough, she may see Haldir, Boromir, Faramir, and Éomer! ...Wait..._

" What year is this!?"

_Everybody stops to look at Marie-Suse. She looks at them. Her face becomes beet-red. Silence ensues...until Elrond continues walking._

' If they're all together, that probably means that this is way before the Fellowship! Crap! Now I can't see them after all!'

_She complains about being able to see only half of the complete set of Middle-earth hotties. What she doesn't realize is that the five people before her are waiting for her to enter through the door with them. All they see is her mumbling with her fists clenched and head down. So far, she's making herself look like a servant of the enemy. Even Estel feels a bit partial to the stranger._

**" Marie-Suse?"** _Said Estel. Marie-Suse looks up at him, then walks in. She trips several times on the long skirt, since, you know, Elves are like super models and the less perfect Marie-Suse isn't tall enough like her sister to fill it out vertically. No need to mention the horizontal dimensional problem, right? Right._

****

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After hours of talking, Elrond, Elrohir, Elladan, Estel, and Legolas came to a conclusion that they should take Marie-Suse along on an adventure. Eru forbid 'why' they thought that way, perhaps the same reason Mary-Sue always gets to go hang out with the peeps of ME so effortlessly, but they made their decision and they would stick to it. Now how would they break this to her? It's simple - say it and hope that she understands.

**" Marie-Suse?"**

_She woke up from her nap. Wiping the drool from her face, she looked at them with an irritated look. Others thought her behavior very strange. Her drooling made them think that she was a half-Man, half-beast. Maybe part-koala...cute (or normal in Marie-Suse's case) on the outside, beastly when provoked. Imagine with me...a koala with a bloody mouth...Marie-Suse with a bloody mouth. Back and forth, back and forth!_

**" My sons and Prince Legolas will be going out on an outing. We've decided that it would benefit you to go along and explore the forest around Imladris. Perhaps during that time, you can learn more about us and vice versa. Would you like to go?" **_Asked Elrond. He patiently waited as Marie-Suse scratched her head, rolled her eyes, counted her fingers, and muttered under her breath. What Elrond just said was way longer and more difficult than anything he's said to her so far was. What did he want?_

" Uh, since you don't have an evil expression on your face, I'll just go with a 'yes.' "

_Spoken like a true moron - say 'yes' dumbly to anything beautiful strangers ask. She smiled to herself. Take whatever chance you get at being near any of the hotties of Middle-earth. That was the only thing on her mind. Get hitched to any of the hotties of Middle-earth, no matter who she has to step on to achieve that goal...just like her sister. Mwahahaha...er, I mean, that's what Marie-Suse thought. She declared herself evil and wily. She stopped laughing in her head when she saw that Elrond didn't understand her 'yes.'_

" Yes," _she said as she nodded exuberantly. Her chance had come to whisk away a sexy Middle-earthling! Um...sure, Marie-Suse. Sure. You can give it a shot. Don't forget to 'bend and snap.' You know...Legally Blonde (general disclaimer here!)..._

**" Wonderful. We will have a feast tonight, then you will all set out tomorrow,"**_ spoke Elrond. He smiled outwardly as he worried in his mind. She didn't seem evil, but you could never judge a book by its cover. The Elf Lord was still too busy in his mind about 'why' he was letting her go along with his children and an important guest. Too bad he didn't see Marie-Suse batting her lashes at the three Elves and a...young...Man. They all thought that she had something in her eyes._

****

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A/N: Can you imagine Marie-Suse, the opposite of Mary-Sue, feasting with the Elves? Oh my... I hope Elves have bibs.


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